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I remember when I lost my mind



"What would you call yourself?"
"I used to answer with <<a writer>>. Now I'm not so sure, but I think the closest answer is <<a leader>>. I work with words and feelings, in written or spoken form, anyway."
"How do you write?"
"How is my writing or how am I able to write?"
"How do you find your words?"
"Hmm"
"Tell me your secret."
"Are you afraid of losing your mind?"
"Ahm.. No, I guess"
"This is what I do, I lose my mind. I free it and let it run, wherever it wants to go. And when it comes back.. Done is the magic."
"Do you believe in magic?"
"I believe in order and I believe in chaos, in God and Devil, in fairies and aliens. Why wouldn't I believe in magic? I am not ready to believe that we, as a species, are as boring as we so thoroughly try to be. I know I am not normal anyways, but I never said I wanted to be. Being different and taking risks, this is what has kept me going so far. Normality brings me to insanity, ironically enough"
"Do you remember what it is like? To lose your mind?"
"Yes, it is madness, but it is not unconsciously. I do it because I want to and because it makes me feel right. You should try it sometimes, but be careful. Once you do it, you can hardly find a way back."
"How do you lose your mind?"
"That, deary, is a secret I am not yet willing to share. And if you search deeply enough, you'll find the answer on your own."

Anecdota despre iubire

A fost odata ca niciodata o fata care hoinarea printr-un taram pustiu, incetosat, cu care de altfel se acomodase. Incepea sa distinga prin griul ce o inconjura, parca prin unele parti apareau culori. Dar voia sa plece, isi dorea din tot sufletul sa vada alt taram, o alta lume. Voia sa descopere..
          Marea problema a fetei noastre era ca nu stia cum arata o usa, asa ca nu stia cum sa plece. Oamenii intrau in lumea ei, dar niciunul nu se deranja sa ii explice cum arata o usa, toti credeau ca ea stie deja. Dar ea nu recunostea faptul ca nu stie. Asa ca oamenii plecau la fel de repede pe cat veneau.
          La un moment dat insa, in taramul fetei patrunse o umbra. Fata incerca sa isi obisnuiasca ochii cu imaginea ei, caci era ceva straniu ce fata simtise, dar nu isi dadea seama ce.
          (Ne dam seama de aici ca pe langa faptul ca taramul fetei era unul al incertitudinii, pana si dorinta ei de cunoastere era umbrita de nesiguranta)
          Umbra a continuat sa umble prin taramul fetei, inspectand locul si cercetandu-l. Fata se obisnuise cu prezenta ei si nu dupa mult timp incepu sa vada un contur al umbrei, incepu sa vada o mica stralucire in pieptul ei. Umbra lasa fata sa priveasca inauntrul ei, iar fata facea acelasi lucru.
          Umbra a luat-o de mana si a inceput sa umble cu ea, a purtat-o prin tot taramul cu care fata credea ca s-a obisnuit, iar oriunde mergeau amandoi ceata parea ca dispare.
          In cele din urma umbra ii puse mainile la ochi fetei, nelasand-o sa vada nimic. Simtind pentru prima oara notiunea de timp, fata parea sa se destepte. Un minut a stat cu ochii inchisi, apoi a privit in jur. Taramul ei avea contur, ceata disparuse iar umbra stralucea din ce in ce mai tare. Lumina dinauntrul ei a dat nastere unei imagini, imaginea unui baiat, cu un zambet minunat ce te incalzeste.
          S-au luat din nou de mana si au inceput sa se plimbe. Baiatul a inteles ca fata cauta o usa, asa ca i-a aratat ce este, i-a explicat. Fata a inteles, dar acum nu mai voia usa. Voia sa-si descopere taramul, caci era minunat. Iar baiatul voia sa stea cu ea, voia sa o vada descoperind. Si a ramas.
          Pana la urma, usile nu dispareau, iar acum puteau pleca oricand. Au mers si pe taramul lui si au ridicat ceata si din colturile inca nedescoperite. Si inca de cand s-au vazut prima data ei tot descopera. Si inca mai au.
          Cel mai frumos lucru e ca taramurile lor nu se sfarsesc niciodata, mereu zaresti ceva nou, un coltisor ce nu-l cunosti. E minunat cand ai cu cine sa-l descoperi.
          Si nu si-au mai dat drumul la mana niciodata.
          Uneori parti din taramul ei il inspaimantau pe el, iar parti din taramul lui o faceau sa planga. Dar atunci se luau in brate, se strangeau tare si isi aminteau ca ei au facut totul sa straluceasca. Pana si colturile cele mai urate pareau minunate pentru ei. Cele mai distruse parti ale taramului ii faceau pe ei speciali, iar ei iubeau asta. Si-au dat seama ca nu vor compania celuilalt si atat. Au nevoie unul de celalalt pentru ca sunt singurii care pot sa straluceasca... Si aveau sa descopere multe taramuri impreuna.

Something of an oddity

-De ce scrii asa? Lor nu le place cand scrii asa.
-Eu nu scriu ca sa le placa lor. Lor le place sa-si citeasca gandurile, scrise poate cu niste cuvinte frumoase, sau cu o simplitate de care ei nu sunt in stare. Eu nu de asta scriu. Nu o sa le placa niciodata cum scriu, pentru ca nu gandim la fel.
-De ce nu vrei sa scrii pentru ei?
-Dar scriu pentru ei. Scriu pentru noi toti. Cunosti senzatia aia pe care o ai dupa ce termini o carte buna? E acea stare.. simti ca mai vrei, ca nu a fost destul. Cartile bune nu sunt cartile scrise frumos, ci cartile care au un mesaj, care transmit ceva. Te bucuri de o carte pentru ca te-a facut sa gandesti, pentru ca ai vazut in ea, cand ai deschis-o, o parere noua, ceva la care nu te-ai fi asteptat. Si dupa ce o termini, o inchizi ca sa gandesti tu. Asta face o carte buna. Uneori te lasa cu un zambet (dar unul trist, poate de usoara ironie, nu cu unul amuzat), alteori te lasa cu un gust amar, caci te face sa-ti deschizi, macar putin, ochii. Si de asta iti place. Si asa voi scrie eu, nu pentru oameni care cauta frumos, cuvinte dulci, sofisticate si sentimente superficiale. Poate ca eu nu scriu frumos. Poate chiar nu stiu sa scriu.
-Ciudat.. Esti o ciudata.
-Da, dar nu ar fi plictisitor daca am fi toti normali?

Song of the sky

'Can you hear the song of the rain?' she asked.
'Yes' he whispered. His eyes were lost, his mind was somewhere else.
'I love the rain' she continued with a trembling voice. 'It seems like it protects me... us.. from the world. It feels like a warm hug from a friend long lost. Or perhaps like a chance for us to settle down, to stop and to think. It feels like the time slows down.'
She felt like crying.
'It seems like the sky is crying.. But, oh, the sound. How beautiful can the sky cry..'
And she started humming an unknown song, probably the song of her heart. It was a calm, sad, yet beautiful sound, somehow like a piano. She had no spectacular voice, actually kind of unpleasant. But it made you feel something. Her whole self made you feel something. She was like a piece of art..

Incertitudine

Nu poti stii niciodata ce este cu adevarat inauntrul tau, si daca ai cea mai mica impresie ca stii, te vei surprinde singur. Daca nu ai mai simtit niste lucruri inainte, cum poti sa stii ce sunt? Ai momente in care te intrebi daca ce simti este cu adevarat durere, regret, iubire, ura... Poate ca nu ai vrea sa stii raspunsul la aceste intrebari, dar stii ca te macina, te-au macinat mereu si mereu o vor face. Dar nu poti face nimic ca sa le opresti, poate doar sa crezi orbeste, sa te increzi in judecata, nu in sentiment. Sau poate nu. E o incertitudine care nu te lasa nici sa scrii un sir de cuvinte care sa aiba sens. E ciudat. Dar e ciudatenia ta. Traieste-o, si lasa intrebarile, caci isi vor gasi raspuns de la sine. Rabda, caci timpul va avea mereu raspunsuri pentru cei rabdatori.

Undecided

I can't decide whether I love or hate people. On the one side there are the ones for whom you believe your entire species is helpless, those stupid people who deserve to be called like this. But on the other side, there are the people you fall in love with - you don't love them, but you fall in love with them. There are those people who make irresistable conversations, the ones with whom you can talk about anyhting, and oh.. when you talk. The power of words in underestimated. I love the way people's eyes sparkle when they talk about their passions, the way their entire face shines. It is somehow warming up my heart to discover people like this. And then the magic comes when you discover their flaws. Flaw is what makes people perfect (paradox, huh? gotta love them). "I like people who have a sense of individuality. I love expression and anything awkward and imperfect, because that’s natural and that’s real." But the problem is that I really can't decide. Because there are so many people from the first part, and so little from the second one, but how can quantity matter when obviously quality is more important? After all, the rarest things are the most enjoyable. Yes, I think I love people after all. I am ready to live in a world full of stupid people as long as I'll keep my 'lovable' ones near me.

Torn

Nothing seems to be wrong. She appears as a happy girl, because her smile covers everything. She won't let even the closest ones know her secrets, her fears, her flaws. Because she doesn't know them herself. So what can she say when they ask her 'What is wrong with you?', in the few moments in which her smile is missing. 'Nothing, I was just thinking'.. and the smile would reappear. This is not a lie, it is not a mask, it is just uncertainty. If there's nothing wrong in her life, why do tears come at night?

Come away with me

I know that words have been spoken out loud so much that they have lost their value, but my word is linked to what I feel, and I feel you. Truly, madly, deeply in love with you, for no special reason because none is necessary. You may not believe me, I may not have proven it so far, but I am working on it, I'm gonna show you how I love, and it is gonna hit you so hard, you will never feel alone again. So come away with me, come away with me and we'll kiss on a mountaintop come away with me and I'll never stop loving you..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKEuOO0lQPc

Memory of a time

All I have learnt in the life of a kid
Is that time is the most valuable thing..
And we just watch it passing by, destroying memories
And living by simple theories.

It is never too late and never too soon,
You learn you can love the "once in a blue moon"s
And meanwhile, you will see that you were mine
And it will not all just be a memory of a time.

Déjà vu

Simti cum se apropie din nou, stii ca e rau, stii ca vei rani pe cineva, dar nu te opresti. De ce vrei sa faci rau? De ce esti atat de egoista? Nu mai incerca degeaba sa iti impui sa iubesti. Daca tu nu simti nimic, nu-i amagi pe ceilalti. Vei iubi candva, dar acum, macar nu mai zambi cu seninatate, nu le mai consuma afectiunea. Esti dependenta, dependenta de iubire, dar nu stii sa oferi deloc. Pleaca!
Nu meriti sa fii iubita.

Love?

I'm in love with the idea of love and that makes me a horrible person. I've had true love, and I threw it away. And it was not just that. I tortured a heart, I lied and I didn't even know about that. I used to think that feeling unloved is the worst feeling, but it's not. To be loved and to be unable to love back, that's the worst feeling. I need to learn to love; truly, deeply, madly..someone. Not a feeling, but a person. Help.

The circle of life

I've come to the conclusion that even if you try so hard to keep people near you, they go further away. What really hurts is that you were wrong to keep them with you in the first place. "You have to let them go. If they come back to you, they are yours forever, if they don't, they were never yours to begin with." I was never a person to go with the wind, I just let it take me to where it wants to go. But it seems that, in the end, even if you were never aware of this fact, you were the one to tell the wind where to go. And just like this, you were never aware of the fact that the people near you, the ones you loved the most, had something difficult in their lives, and you did nothing to help. And then you blame yourself, but you realize that there was nothing you could have done and you start feeling better about yourself. You meet new people, you give them your love and they give their love to you. And you become closer and closer, you love them the most. And then, it happens again: you come to the conclusion that even if you try so hard to keep people near you, they go further away. (Repeat until you're out of breath)

Polemic, premeditat si antagonic.

Am dificultati in a face alegeri, in a lua decizii. Obisnuiam sa fac totul la intamplare, dupa instinct. Acum ma gandesc de 2 ori cand aleg ceva, in ce masura ii afecteaza pe altii, in ce masura ma afecteaza pe mine. Aleg uneori, insa, sa mai merg pe stradute laturalnice, dupa instinct. Sunt stradute intunecate, aproape fara niciun pic de pietris pe care sa mergi. Dar sunt stradute ce ma atrag, tocmai pentru ca sunt scufundate in necunoscut.. si vreau sa-l descopar. Era frumos cand il descopeream cu el, dar a ales sa mearga pe un alt drum, unul cu lumini, unul cu siguranta. M-a refuzat, galant, incercand sa ma ia cu el. Dar in incapatanarea mea, deloc negativa as putea adauga,  aveam sa raman pe drumul meu.  Si, bineinteles, asta ne-a indepartat.  Ne deosebesc multe, foarte multe, dar ne lega un lucru, nu stiu sa-l numesc. Era ceva intre noi ce ne tinea pe acelasi drum. Nu am fost niciodata tipul femeii trofeu, eu nu sunt o fata pe care sa o vrei pentru trupul ei frumos, cu forme perfecte. Eu sunt o fata pe care o vrei pentru misterul din jurul ei, si nu ma daruiesc celor care nu ma merita. Problema nu a fost ca el nu ma merita, ci eu nu il meritam pe el.

Affichez vos couleurs.

Sunt momente cand doar muzica iti este aproape, cand doar ea te poate scoate dintr-o stare in care esti cazut(a) de prea mult timp. Nu stiu de ce, dar muzica pare sa devina cea mai buna prietena a mea. Si melodia asta ma face sa zambesc mereu, no matter what. De aceea vreau sa o impartasesc cu voi.

A child's soul

When we were kids we used to believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Toothfairy. We used to pretend to be anything, anyone. We lived in a fairytale, and it was amazing. The reason for which children will always be happier than grown ups is that they have faith. We always look for something to believe in, to hope for, something to guide us. Why do we stop searching? Why is curiosity leaving us? Everything is supposed to be brighter, to make more sense, but it just doesn't. I start to think that a kid will always see life as it is: beautiful, intense, simple, yet surprizing. No, I'm not a grown up, I just think that this is what happens. Yes, I love being a child. I hope I'll stay like this as long as possible, because I know that even if I change, inside of me will always be a child's soul :)

Keepers

People will fall in love with the mystery that surrounds you, it always happens like this. There is something about a mysterious person that attracts the others; that type of smile which says "You will never know me, sweetie". But once they will see the real you, most of them will be scared, or disgusted, they will run. If you ever have the guts to reveal the inner you, the true one, you will have to take care to whom you will reveal. The ones that will fall in love with YOU are the people to keep around you, forever..or for as long as you can keep them.

Lady in red

I've dreamt of myself in a ruby red dress, surrounded by men, true men, not boys.. They were all just shadows, but by the way they were acting you could say that they were charmed. As every men came closer and asked for a dance, my flawlessly red lips would automatically say no, as they were bound to just one man. And that man was there. I could see his face among all the shadows. I was atracted to his smile as the moth flies towards the light. He took my hand and, as the music started, he got closer and whispered in my ear. "I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight, never seen you shine so bright. I've never seen so many men asking you if you wanted to dance. And when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away. Oh, the lady in red is dancing with me, and it's right were I want to be. And I know so well this beauty by my side." He then pressed his lips against mine in a kiss that seemed to last forever.. "I love you" said he to me then. And the image was foggy and it started to fade away while the music would go on and on and on, like the dream wanted to come right to reality. And it did.

Regrets.

Daca m-ar fi intrebat cineva ce cred despre regret, i-as fi spus ca pentru mine acel sentiment este inutil. Obisnuiam sa cred ca o data ce faci o greseala, iti ceri scuze si treci peste acel moment. Regretul nu avea nicio implicare in acest proces. Acum stiu ca nu poti face nimic fara regret. Greselile sunt parti din noi si trebuie sa invatam din ele. Trebuie sa ne asumam responsabilitatea pentru orice actiune desfasuram. Regretul este bun, sanatos, important. Acum cred cu tarie ca este un sentiment normal, un sentiment al tutror oamenilor. Sau cel putin al meu..

I, book


       I talk a lot about myself. Even if everythig I say is true, it doesn't say that much about me. I have always felt like I was an open book, but it was a special one. I am a book written in both ink and braille. Those who see and search with their eyes will see the ink-me, the surface, not less of who I am. But those who search with their soul, those who feel what I am, those will see the deeper me, the braille-me, the one I truly am. Those are the people I love, those are who love me.